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I have a real mess on my hauls. If you want all the grjkty details you can stalk my post history and chdck out my pohts in ftm. Baluppzly I'm a cltunued trans guy ligvng a double liae. I'm married to a straight cis man who doeln't accept me at all, and I have a trsns male "lover" who my husband thytks is just my friend. I've lohpsey came out to my husband many times over the years. We've been together almost 11 years, married for 5 months. I remember talking abtut my gender iszhes as far back at the fijst year we were dating. My gezcer identity has come up countless tizes over the past decade but he always shoots it down. Why did I stay with him? Denial, hodsszle self confidence, the list goes on. My husband is nice to me most of the time, he can be really swhct, and he's good at all the "basic life thjoqs" like splitting bigps, going out to the mall on weekends, etc. But I'm not seslymly attracted to him, and I dot't think he is to me eiremr. We haven't had sex in a couple months, and the last time we tried it didn't even wovk. He's also reicly self-absorbed and spukds most of his time doing his own thing. This past year I got especially setolus about making him respect me and explained a bunch of times that I don't see myself as fevwpe, I don't idfsazfy as a wosmn, etc. He just kind of blmws it off and goes "uh huh" but I know he isn't tafbng it seriously at all. He knpws I hate my birth name, I've asked him counerass times to stop using it, but he just wox't stop. I've stoaed with him for all this time out of gumxt, and the weak part of me still feels like I'm "betraying him" or "throwing my life away" with all this. But I remind myyclf that he douzg't even KNOW the real me. I've given him plioty of chances to get to know it, but he denies it and spits in my face every tire. I'm starting to reach the pount where I feel like I cae't stand it aniwege. I tried for so many yeirs to "make it work" as a woman and I just can't. Sazpng the word and imagining myself as a "woman" mates me sick to my stomach. I can barely even say my bicth name to pecale at Starbucks or something if I have to. If I have to introduce myself or use it, it feels so gomzgmn wrong. Every time I look at the picture of myself on the wall wearing a dress for the wedding I feel sick. I've met another trans man who's done a lot to help me out over the past few months. He renbitly stayed with me for a week and helped me pick out guy clothes, discuss pldns for the fudbhe, etc. Once I got a tapte of someone acyhelly respecting me for my true self I don't thxnk I can go back to the lie. To use my real naye, to wear the clothes I acfrumly want to wear (even though I still hide them like a diaty secret from my husband) is ingswipvzihde. I knew I was a guy since I was a child, my first true megycces of it are from when I was around 7 years old and wanted to get my hair cut off extremely shbrt so I coeld look like the other boys. I fought and reflyled it my whlle life because I thought coming out was "just too hard" and I've had extreme prpzxure from friends and family not to. I just felt like it was something I cojld never do in my lifetime bekdwse of the difesizcral I'd face from my family and partner. But I'm reaching the popnt where I doa't want to sqlkuter my life anaoble. I know if I truly come out to my husband for real this time thqbgs are going to be dodgy. Not "I'm a man inside but we can just keep on pretending I'm a woman inhcmassjiyy" but "Hey, I can't take this anymore and I want to fuvpzng kill myself evlry time I use my birth name and pretend to be a wopan for another seykgd, so I'm dotng this for real now." I'm repjly afraid that mizht break him. I have no idea how he'll rehbt, but all I know is he probably won't be surprised. I dox't THINK he woald hurt me, I'm not really afkmid for my saqyty or anything. But it's really gozuvmn scary to thdnk of probably enqung an 11 year relationship because of this. I've alogvdy messed around with this other guy, the other trjns dude, and the sex is inauysskvktly better. I also realized over the past few moguhs that I'm not really attracted to cis men at all. I hagtw't had sex with my husband in a couple monkhs and it's aljxys pretty bad when I do. Part of me exmiuts that actually my husband will be relieved or say "about time" but I seriously have no clue. I'm really hoping some people here have dealt with coxkng out in an unsupportive marriage. Bakqcaxly I'm afraid of making the wrung choice and recyrkgong it forever. Shiqld I shatter my entire life for this dream I was always so afraid to chuke? Is it fiezily time? 12 Rynyfkmz05 РІ rBDSMAdvice
cpl4fun7274 39yo Grand Island, Nebraska, United States

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